They do, they really fucking do! They creep up on you like the stench of a silent but deadly fart in a crowded room- smacking you upside the head like BOOM!

Honestly, this morning I woke up in a great mood. Phil had both kids laughing as he was going around tickling everyone to wake us up. Nothing like being woke up by your children giggling and your husband tickling you. Then instructing said children to blow raspberries on mommy’s tummy. The kids got dressed with minimal fussing, of course Kaden did a little bit of whining, but not as much as normal mornings. On the bus they went, kiss & hug from Phil with “Have a good day” tossed over his shoulder as he headed to his work truck. I wished him the same, finished my cigarette and headed back in. Mommy’s morning quiet time had started! Now for those that don’t know me, I have about 90 minutes before I can expect the little girl from next door. Quiet time. That’s when I get online, check email, myspace, facebook, scrapbooking freebies, what-have-you. It’s my uninterrupted web surfing time. This morning was NO different until I decided to check out the Clicks website. All it took to throw my day into the shitter was one song. ONE FUCKING SONG! Yeah, the one that’s been playing in the background. That’s the one that totally tanked my good mood. I don’t know what it is about this song that did it, but it did.

I knew this week was going to be a not so easy one since the 4 month mark was coming up fast and furious. (Wednesday to be exact) This is not how I pictured my life. I know I said in my last blog that things have been going good, and they have. Shit, we just went out Saturday night. Ok, so he had a show, and I went with him, but still it was me & him. We had fun. BUT it’s still not the same. When we got home, it was to separate bedrooms we went, like we have pretty much every night for the last 4 months. I miss falling asleep next to him, hearing him snore in the middle of the night, being woken up by his insane collection of alarm clocks (seriously he’s got so many and can literally sleep thru them all!) It’s all the off the wall shit that you take for granted when you are in a solid relationship, like the hugs & kisses for just because, holding hands in the car, sitting next to each other while watching a movie, a quick cuddle before rising out of bed in the morning, slipping your arm around their waist while strolling thru a store, etc. This is all shit I miss more than anything, that I am dying to have back. I know I keep saying good things come to those who wait, but when I’m having a not so great day- I am impatient. I want what I want and I want it now. I want to know for fact that Yes, we are going to be together forever. Living under a cloud of uncertainty is unnerving and trying at best.

I hate wondering if each day is a good day or a bad day for him. And I really hate having a bad day because if he’s had a good day, guess what? It becomes a not good day because  then he feels bad that I’ve had a bad day. (yeah, it’s a craptastic vicious cycle!)  Even though I have high hopes that it will work out, there is still that niggling fear in the back of my head wondering “Is today the day he’s going to come home and say I can’t do this anymore”? I want life to be back to where if he comes home and says he’s had a bad day I immediately know he’s referring to work and not to us. Normalcy, is it too much to want?

Someone asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday this year (which is a week from today). I laughed a pathetic laugh and said there is only one thing in this whole world I want more than anything but there is only ONE person who can give it to me. Honestly, I’m not holding my breath. . . . . .