It has been an awesome birthday! 33 isn’t so bad! The awesome-ness started yesterday morning with an early birthday present from Phil. Get your minds outta the gutters folks- it wasn’t that. It was WAY better than that!!

Let me set the scene for ya:

We’re sitting on the front porch having our first cigarette of the day. All of a sudden Phil starts humming. I wasn’t looking at him but off towards the crazy cat mans house, wondering what the hell he was humming and why he was humming so soon after waking up. As I sat there, trying to figure out what song it was, it clicked. Tears sprang to my eyes thinking this had to be a cruel joke. The one thing I so desperately wanted to hear him say, and he’s humming the song. I turned and looked at him with tear filled eyes, he reaches for my hand and starts singing “Here I am, reaching out for you, Lets be us again”. The tears began to flow as I asked him if he was serious- to which he replied yes. I think I repeatedly asked him if he was sure. He kept telling me yes, while grinning from ear to ear, giving me tons of kisses. He told me I cry real easy, I came back with “These are tears of joy”. He told me he’s been ready for this for a bit, but really wanted to do it for my birthday as he knew this would be the best present he could give me- and he was 100% correct! Nothing could have topped this. Not even a million dollars. Money don’t mean diddly if you are not happy. So I’ve been walking around on Cloud 9 since yesterday morning. It was insanely awesome to sleep in the same bed together again- to hear him snore, to know that he was RIGHT THERE, to smell him. It’s insane the little things you miss. But I wont be missing them anymore. Now we can move on with our future. I am sure life will still throw us curve balls from time to time, but I am positive that if we could make it thru this, there isn’t anything we cant make it thru!

So my birthday wish came true. Got my man back! YAY ME!

Tonight I’m being treated to Chicken Express. I’m a simple gal- I don’t need a fancy schmancy dinner on my birthday! LOL Gimme some fried chicken, smashed taters, gravy, and their biscuits (that I swear are laced with crack cause they are that good!) and I am good to go! Then this weekend Phil & I will be celebrating my birthday with the grown ups in Shreveport, Louisiana. Conceived in Kaos has a show at 516 Soundstage with Holy Hell Rod (and you know those guys can P-A-R-T-y!) and a few other bands. SO a fun time will totally be had! Those that can, should make the trip to Shreveport and see the bands and party it up with me!!! (We’ll also be celebrating Phils upcoming birthday!!! His is June 6th!)

Anyhow, gonna run for now! I think I’ve yakked everyones ear off enough!!

They do, they really fucking do! They creep up on you like the stench of a silent but deadly fart in a crowded room- smacking you upside the head like BOOM!

Honestly, this morning I woke up in a great mood. Phil had both kids laughing as he was going around tickling everyone to wake us up. Nothing like being woke up by your children giggling and your husband tickling you. Then instructing said children to blow raspberries on mommy’s tummy. The kids got dressed with minimal fussing, of course Kaden did a little bit of whining, but not as much as normal mornings. On the bus they went, kiss & hug from Phil with “Have a good day” tossed over his shoulder as he headed to his work truck. I wished him the same, finished my cigarette and headed back in. Mommy’s morning quiet time had started! Now for those that don’t know me, I have about 90 minutes before I can expect the little girl from next door. Quiet time. That’s when I get online, check email, myspace, facebook, scrapbooking freebies, what-have-you. It’s my uninterrupted web surfing time. This morning was NO different until I decided to check out the Clicks website. All it took to throw my day into the shitter was one song. ONE FUCKING SONG! Yeah, the one that’s been playing in the background. That’s the one that totally tanked my good mood. I don’t know what it is about this song that did it, but it did.

I knew this week was going to be a not so easy one since the 4 month mark was coming up fast and furious. (Wednesday to be exact) This is not how I pictured my life. I know I said in my last blog that things have been going good, and they have. Shit, we just went out Saturday night. Ok, so he had a show, and I went with him, but still it was me & him. We had fun. BUT it’s still not the same. When we got home, it was to separate bedrooms we went, like we have pretty much every night for the last 4 months. I miss falling asleep next to him, hearing him snore in the middle of the night, being woken up by his insane collection of alarm clocks (seriously he’s got so many and can literally sleep thru them all!) It’s all the off the wall shit that you take for granted when you are in a solid relationship, like the hugs & kisses for just because, holding hands in the car, sitting next to each other while watching a movie, a quick cuddle before rising out of bed in the morning, slipping your arm around their waist while strolling thru a store, etc. This is all shit I miss more than anything, that I am dying to have back. I know I keep saying good things come to those who wait, but when I’m having a not so great day- I am impatient. I want what I want and I want it now. I want to know for fact that Yes, we are going to be together forever. Living under a cloud of uncertainty is unnerving and trying at best.

I hate wondering if each day is a good day or a bad day for him. And I really hate having a bad day because if he’s had a good day, guess what? It becomes a not good day because  then he feels bad that I’ve had a bad day. (yeah, it’s a craptastic vicious cycle!)  Even though I have high hopes that it will work out, there is still that niggling fear in the back of my head wondering “Is today the day he’s going to come home and say I can’t do this anymore”? I want life to be back to where if he comes home and says he’s had a bad day I immediately know he’s referring to work and not to us. Normalcy, is it too much to want?

Someone asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday this year (which is a week from today). I laughed a pathetic laugh and said there is only one thing in this whole world I want more than anything but there is only ONE person who can give it to me. Honestly, I’m not holding my breath. . . . . .  

Yep- I’ve resurfaced with a new home. Why, you may wonder, well I just was not feeling the whole MySpace thing anymore. Seriously I next to never get on it. I’ve turned into a Facebook junkie. And since Facebook does not have really a “blog” feature, I figured I’d be just as happy over here. Plus my new laptop came with a program just for blogging! How nifty noodle is that? It shows me what my finished blog will look like AS I type it! What more could a gal ask for? (Ok besides diamonds and cash!) For a while I’ll probably keep my MySpace pals notified of when I post a new blog, but I am sure that’ll get old after a while.

Maybe here I’ll gain a whole new audience. Nothing to make you start blogging again on a regular basis than a bunch of fresh faces & new opinions!

So for those that have followed me on MySpace for quite a while, here’s what has been going on lately……

Phil & I are still not back together, BUT I am ok with that. How in the hell am I ok with that you ask? Well because for one, I know good things come to those who wait, and two I have a feeling it wont be that much longer and we will be back together. Things are really going well in our house. We get a long GREAT these days. I will admit, I still have my days where I’m sad that we aren’t together or where I am really being an impatient brat, but I think I’m entitled. I’ve had so many people tell me that I am such a stronger person than they are for “putting up with this”. Well for one, I’m not “putting up” with anything. I’m standing by while my husband “heals” himself. Some of you just don’t know how 19 kinds of wrong I was to him in the past. And for two, I’m not stronger than any other person. I just know, what Phil & I have is true love, the kind worth fighting for, the kind worth going the distance and doing WHATEVER it takes to make shit work. He is the man I want to grow old with. I don’t see how fighting for what I want and what I love makes me any stronger than the next person- or maybe I’m just being too modest, who knows.  I just now that now I am not the emo wreck I was back in January. (Ok, so I am sure the Thyroid meds helped a little on that part, but still I am handling shit A LOT better than before!)

Speaking of my thyroid. Back in March I went to the ER, and they put me on thyroid meds! YAY! Since March I have lost roughly 25lbs, had three periods, and I just feel better in general!! What a difference a little daily pill makes. Of course now I’m out of meds so I am paranoid the weight is going to creep back on, but in two weeks I am going to a DOCTOR, one that is in practice especially for people that do not have insurance and can not afford jumbo sized office visits! WOOHOO! Yeah I know, I get excited about the smallest shit. Ok so maybe having my thyroid treated on a regular basis isn’t so small, but still, it excites me anyhow!!!

Phil & the band are doing great. They’ve had a few awesome shows since my last blog. As a matter of fact they have one coming up this weekend at Clicks in Tyler. They’re headlining of course and it’s going to be a kick ass show.

The kiddos are growing like weeds. It’s almost the end of the school year for them both. (tear!) My little man will be moving into the 1st grade and my big girl will be saying good-bye to elementary school and hello intermediate school! We just had field day this past Friday. They had a blast. Poor Kiara got a little sunburned, but jeebus she looked cute in her shirt I reconstructed for her!!

Anyhow, I guess this is enough of a blog for today. Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow with some more of what in the world have I been up to!

Catch ya’ll on the flipside!

P.S.  For those of you that subscribed to me on MySpace you can subscribe to me here as well….I think you use the “follow blog” button at the top of your screen!